BBC随身英语｜为什么朋友有时靠不住

Why friends are sometimes unreliable

Do you have a friend who happily agrees to your plans, only to disappear when the time eventually comes? Maybe they flake on you and cancel last minute, or just don't tell you and then ghost you completely. Or just maybe, it's you that sometimes lets people down. What lies behind this reluctance to keep to engagements?

It could be our personality traits. According to psychology professor Richard Koestner, less conscientious or agreeable people tend to have less concern for others and are more likely to overbook themselves socially. While this can be due to bad time management, it can also be because people are afraid of confrontation and saying no to their friends, so end up agreeing to things that they don't really want to do.

Technology could be another factor behind people's willingness to back out of social commitments. Firstly, being able to cancel plans with a simple text message or pressing a 'not attending' button on an invitation, rather than doing it face-to-face or through an awkward phone call, is a much more frictionless way to say you have changed your mind.

On top of this, people have become used to the instant gratification offered by social media and streaming platforms. Does this make real-life interaction seem mundane and arduous by comparison? Could it be generational? A 2017 study found that 45% of American millennials saw nothing wrong with withdrawing from social arrangements. Older generations were less likely to pull out of events that they had been invited to.

Whatever lies behind it, psychologists have advice for us. Kurt Gray from the University of North Carolina recommends a simple phone call to reinforce human connection. Andrea Bonior from Georgetown University tells us to gently let our friends know that being let down disrupts us and makes us feel less valued. Caution is important though. Life coach Kira Asatryan reminds us that sometime people withdraw, not out of disrespect, but because they themselves feel anxious, stressed or sad.

词汇表
flake on someone [fleɪk] 放某人鸽子，爽约
ghost [ɡəʊst] 突然消失，不再联系（某人）
lie behind 是…的原因，隐藏在…背后
reluctance [rɪˈlʌktəns] 不情愿，勉强
keep to engagement [ɪnˈɡeɪdʒmənt] 履行诺言，遵守约定
personality trait [ˌpɜːsəˈnæləti treɪt] 人格特质，个性特征
conscientious [ˌkɒnʃiˈenʃəs] 认真负责的，尽责的
agreeable [əˈɡriːəbl] 和蔼可亲的，易相处的，随和的
overbook [ˌəʊvəˈbʊk] 过度约定，预订过多
confrontation [ˌkɒnfrʌnˈteɪʃn] 对抗，冲突，对峙
back out 退出，食言，变卦
social commitment [kəˈmɪtmənt] 社交承诺，社交约定
frictionless [ˈfrɪkʃnləs] 无摩擦的，顺利的
instant gratification [ˈɪnstənt ˌɡrætɪfɪˈkeɪʃn] 即时满足，及时行乐
streaming platform [ˈstriːmɪŋ] 流媒体平台
mundane [mʌnˈdeɪn] 平凡的，单调的，世俗的
arduous [ˈɑːdjuəs] 费力的，艰难的
generational [ˌdʒenəˈreɪʃ(ə)nəl] 代际的，代与代之间的
millennial [mɪˈleniəl] 千禧一代，一千年的
withdraw [wɪðˈdrɔː] 退出，撤回，离开
pull out of 退出，摆脱，离开
reinforce [ˌriːɪnˈfɔːs] 加强，增强，加固

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